So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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