I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
