you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize