nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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