i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
