DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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