If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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