FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
