Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
