Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
