Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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