I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
