I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
