OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
