I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
