The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
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