I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
How drunk are you?
Completed.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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