When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize