I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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