If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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