Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
