I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
