Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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