New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
