I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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