I just made out with a guy for $7.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
