Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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