I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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