The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
