please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
