Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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