Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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