i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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