winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
