You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
