..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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