I've blown a few things in my day
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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