dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
