I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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