So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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