Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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