It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
