I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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