These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
