what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
