You smell like stripper and shame
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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