i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
