I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
