she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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