Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
