somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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