Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
