You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
