I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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