Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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