Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
