last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
