my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
