Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
