my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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