i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
