I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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